Gary Shirley Told Girlfriend to Cover Up ‘Teen Mom’ Amber Hitting Him Again

See that face? That’s why you always wear a condom. Even if you’re married.

Earlier in the month it was reported that Teen Mom Amber Portwood decided it’d be a smart idea to assault Gary Shirley again while she’s currently facing felony charges for beating him in front of an entire MTV audience and more importantly their infant daughter. Turns out the incident really did happen because TMZ has obtained audio of Gary telling his girlfriend Ashley to lie about the incident. Also, we can assume she took that as “Sell me talking to you right now to TMZ” because that’s entirely what just happened:

The audio — recorded Dec. 15 — captures “Teen Mom” co-star Gary on the phone with a girlfriend named Ashley. He’s telling her how to stonewall reporters who got wind of a Dec. 14 incident where Amber allegedly beat him again.

Gary advises Ashley to tell reporters, “No comment, no comment, no comment …” adding, “every time they leave you alone.”

During the call, Gary admits, Amber “f**king hit me.” You also hear Gary whisper to a friend in the room that Ashley didn’t actually see Amber hit him — she was outside waiting in a car.

In return for Ashley’s silence … Gary makes this gallant offer to her — “Maybe one day we can start a family.”

You gotta love the balls on this guy. Not only is he an epic fatass ensnared in the most publicized Jerry Springer-esque custody battle of the month, but he basically promises to knock another chick up if she looks the other way while his ex beats the shit out of him. I don’t know how you resist that. If I had a vagina right now, I could wring it out and fill up a mop bucket. That’s how seductive that offer is.